9 Tips When Your Kid Is The Bully

April 15, 2024

Learning that your child has been bullying others can be a shock. It's an emotional moment for any parent, but the key is to stay composed and respond thoughtfully. Instead of reacting with anger, take a breath and make a plan.

The first step is to have an open conversation. Find a quiet time to talk with your child. The goal is to understand, not to accuse. You might start by saying, "I heard something happened with a classmate. Can you tell me your side of the story?" Listen carefully to their perspective without interrupting. This will help you uncover what might be driving their behavior.

For more guidance on what to do when your child is bullying others, keep reading!

What To Do When Your Child Bullies Others

People do not raise their children to treat others poorly. In fact, from a very young age, little kids are usually taught to be nice. Many parents even read children's books about manners to help reinforce the importance of behaving respectfully. Parents spend a lot of energy teaching their children to be kind to others, to have empathy for those who are struggling, and to include anyone who seems to be left out. There may not be any sign at home that a child would ever do anything to hurt another classmate, either physically or verbally.

Once you have a better understanding of the situation, it's time to set clear expectations and consequences. Make it absolutely clear that bullying is not acceptable. Help your child understand the effect their actions have on others. You can do this by asking, "How would you feel if someone did that to you?" This simple question can help build empathy.

Next, establish consistent consequences that are directly tied to the behavior. If the bullying happened on social media, for instance, a logical consequence might be restricting their screen time. The purpose of these consequences is not to punish, but to teach them accountability and help them learn from their mistakes. Children's books about bullying are excellent tools for opening a conversation about this topic with your own kids.

How to Stop Your Child From Bullying Others

Many parents receive that unfortunate text, call, or email informing them that their child was the instigator of repetitive bullying. It is normal to feel like there must be some mistake. After all, most energy up to this point has been spent teaching kids how to deal with bullies while very little thought has been given to the fact that your kid may actually be the bully. But perhaps all of the facts have not been presented or there is some sort of misunderstanding. But when all of the information has been sorted through and the dust finally settles, parents often have no choice but to accept the fact that their child is the aggressor. If you find yourself in this position, keep these pointers in mind when deciding how to proceed. Here are some valuable tips to follow when your child is actually the bully.

(1) Listen to your child without interrupting.

It's important to listen generously to your child. You will surely have some choice words to share, but you will need to exercise some extreme patience for the time being. Kids will not necessarily have a concise, clear explanation for their behavior. Many times they will not fully understand themselves why they are being so mean to another person. Give the child room to speak freely and openly about everything without pushing for explicit answers or information. You may be able to gather some important insight by just listening. Bite your tongue, hold your thoughts, keep your facial expression neutral, and just listen. This is a tall task since you are likely very angry and disappointed with your child. But it's an important first step in ending the behavior.

(2) Figure out why your child is acting like a bully.

Bullying isn't a fixed identity; it's a set of behaviors that come from a variety of deep-seated issues. It's important to remember that most kids who bully are not "bad" kids. Instead, they are often children who are struggling with something and haven't learned healthier ways to cope with their feelings.There are many reasons why your child might be treating others poorly. Sometimes there is an underlying motivation, perhaps even jealousy of the victim, that drives the mean behavior. As the parent, it's your job to try and understand the root cause so that you can put an end to it. Simply asking your child to explain why they are acting in a certain way is not necessarily going to get you answers. Think about reasons as possible motives as you delve in deeper into the problem.

(3) Was you child was bullied by another child first?

Unfortunately, it's a very common cycle: kids who were bullied often become bullies themselves. This behavior is rooted in the deep psychological and social effects of being a victim. For them, it's a misguided way to reclaim the sense of power and control they lost. Bullying can be contagious and spread like wildfire. When a young person is a victim of bullying, it is not uncommon for them to deflect by mistreating a new victim. On a subconscious level, it may be a child's way of protecting themselves by shifting negative attention to another kid. Reading kids books about anger can help open a conversation about root causes and come up with better tools to handle these feelings.

(4) Your child enjoys the feeling of power.

Power is at the very core of bullying. It's the key thing that separates bullying from a simple conflict. While the specific reasons for a bully's need for power can vary, they almost always come from deeper psychological issues. A bully's need for power is rarely about true strength or self-worth. Instead, it's a symptom of a deeper problem—an outward expression of their own pain, insecurity, or a lack of healthy ways to cope. It is not unusual for bullies to be the leader of the pack. A likely explanation is that other children act friendly toward the aggressor so that they themselves never fall victim. This sense of popularity fuels the bad behavior and the vicious pattern can continue until adult intervention is required.

(5) Your child may (or may not) have low self-esteem.

You'd think bullies have low self-esteem, but the research paints a more complex picture. While it's a popular theory that bullies put others down to make up for their own insecurities, recent studies show that many of them actually have average to high self-esteem. The idea that all bullies are insecure is often only true for "bully-victims"—kids who are both picked on and are picking on others. There are many reasons why a children might not feel good about themselves and result to mean behavior. Perhaps they are struggling to keep up academically. Maybe home life is unstable due to a separation or divorce. Perhaps making friends has always been a struggle. Oftentimes a child who is a bully has internal conflict and lacks confidence. Not knowing how to resolve this unrest, kids will find a victim to harass. They channel all of their negative feelings about themselves outwardly toward someone else. The bottom line is that there is not a definitive link to self-esteem and bullying, although it is still a consideration when addressing the root cause.

(6) Does your child lack empathy for others?

Some researchers believe bullies do lack empathy, but it's more complex than that. It's not a complete absence of the trait, but rather a limited or selective ability to feel for others. Most bullies struggle with affective empathy, which is the ability to share or feel another person's emotions. They may be able to understand a victim's feelings (cognitive empathy), which they can use to hurt them, but they don't feel remorse or distress themselves. They may also only show empathy toward their friends, making it easier to be cruel to their victims by seeing them as outsiders. If your child seems out of touch with how their words and behaviors are hurting others, empathy may need to be addressed through counseling.

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(7) Seek help from teachers and counselors.

Identifying the reason why your child is acting like a bully is just the beginning. The real work in addressing the root cause is more complicated. Lucky parents may be able to counsel their children and resolve the conflict quickly. Even so, it's important for those parents to continue to monitor their child's social activities, stay in close contact with teachers, and watch for signs of repeat offenses. Sometimes the problem is more serious and requires help from a professional therapist or child psychologist. It's a good idea find someone who can help address the problem before it manifests into more serious behavioral issues. Lean on professionals who have experience and insight that may help, especially those who can observe your child in social settings outside of the home.

(8) Require the child to apologize to the victim.

The bottom line is that the bullying needs to stop immediately. The first thing you need to ensure is that your child formally apologizes to anyone they have harassed. Apologizing is a learning experience. It forces them to confront the consequences of their actions and the pain they caused, helping them develop empathy and healthier social skills. By taking responsibility, they can begin to rebuild their character, learn to manage their emotions, and break the cycle of aggression. A sincere apology can also help them release feelings of guilt that may have been a driving force behind their behavior. It can be helpful, especially for young children, there is a witness to this apology to ensure it actually happened. Such witnesses may include parents, teachers, school counselors, sports coaches, or any other adult authority figure.

(9) Continue to monitor the situation.

Don't make the mistake and assume that a single conversation will put a stop to your child's bullying behavior. You have a responsibility to ensure they are not tormenting others. As difficult as this may be, you should consider notifying other adults like coaches and teacher of the situation so they can be on the lookout. You may even reach out to the parents of the victim to establish a line of communication and make sure they are comfortable reporting back if the behavior does not cease.

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