“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
— Dalai Lama
People do not raise their children to treat others poorly. In fact, from a very young age, little kids are usually taught to be nice. Many parents even read children's books about manners to help reinforce the importance of behaving respectfully. Parents spend a lot of energy teaching their children to be kind to others, to have empathy for those who are struggling, and to include anyone who seems to be left out. There may not be any sign at home that a child would ever do anything to hurt another classmate, either physically or verbally.
And yet, many parents receive that unfortunate text, call, or email informing them that their child was the instigator of repetitive bullying. It is normal to feel like there must be some mistake. After all, most energy up to this point has been spent teaching kids how to deal with bullies while very little thought has been given to the fact that your kid may actually be the bully. But perhaps all of the facts have not been presented or there is some sort of misunderstanding. But when all of the information has been sorted through and the dust finally settles, parents often have no choice but to accept the fact that their child is the aggressor. If you find yourself in this position, keep these pointers in mind when deciding how to proceed.
What To Do When Your Child Bullies Others
Hear Your Child Out
It's important to listen generously to your child. You will surely have some choice words to share, but you will need to exercise some extreme patience for the time being. Kids will not necessarily have a concise, clear explanation for their behavior. Many times they will not fully understand themselves why they are being so mean to another person. Give the child room to speak freely and openly about everything without pushing for explicit answers or information. You may be able to gather some important insight by just listening. Bite your tongue, hold your thoughts, keep your facial expression neutral, and just listen. This is a tall task since you are likely very angry and disappointed with your child. But it's an important first step in ending the behavior.
Figure out why your child is acting like a bully.
There are many reasons why your child might be treating others poorly. Sometimes there is an underlying motivation, perhaps even jealousy of the victim, that drives the mean behavior. As the parent, it's your job to try and understand the root cause so that you can put an end to it. Simply asking your child to explain why they are acting in a certain way is not necessarily going to get you answers. Think about reasons as possible motives as you delve in deeper into the problem.
Your child enjoys the feeling of power and attention from others by being a bully.
It is not unusual for bullies to be the leader of the pack. A likely explanation is that other children act friendly toward the aggressor so that they themselves never fall victim. This sense of popularity fuels the bad behavior and the vicious pattern can continue until adult intervention is required. First and foremost, try to identify if the victim is being targeted for a particular reason, like behaviors associated with autism spectrum disorders.
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